*sigh*

So...here it is. Here I am. I finally got what I wanted, right?

But...

Why does it hurt so bad?
Why do I feel so sad?
Thought I was over you
But I keep crying
When I don't love you
So why does it hurt so bad
I thought I had let you go
So, why does it hurt me so
I gotta get you outta my head
It hurts so bad

Relationshits

I move forward, he pulls away... I pull away, he moves forward. WTF is going on? I call, you don't answer. I text, you don't reply. I send you an email, you don't read it.

Don't you hate it when you long for things to be the way they USED to be...secretly knowing that you'll probably never get back to that place? It sucks. This sucks.

~mCn

In search of The Real Thing

It's 4:15a and guess what's on my mind... Relationships…

The one thing I’ve secretly wanted for a long time. Prayed for. Talked about. Dreamt about. A relationship- a true, honest, mutually recognized, loving relationship. And I have a relationship. I mean, I’m in a relationship…but why am I feeling lonely and unhappy? Thinking back, I’m wondering if I was happier single. *sigh* Relationships are so difficult…or can be. And very complicated. I’m constantly wondering if he’s “the one” or if I’m just forcing this thing to work. What’s too much effort? What’s forcing? Where is that breaking point? The lines are all blurred for me. Am I seeking companionship to fill a void in my life? Am I still holding on to previous relationships and love interests? Why can’t I just let go and live “in the moment?” Why do I overanalyze our interactions and disagreements? Did he do this to me? Did his analyses about even the simplest comment turn me into the ultimate analyst too? I’m confused...and frustrated. I’ve been praying about this and reading articles and books about it, but I can’t seem to find an answer. Or maybe just not an answer I want to hear.

And I try not to compare…but it’s impossible not to reminisce and consider backtracking (or moving on) to something familiar when you feel there’s a void.

Why isn’t he ambitious like 87? Why doesn’t he dress like 47? Why doesn’t he look at me like 55 or 67? Why don’t I get the tingly feeling like I do with 55? Why aren’t his “Words of Affirmation” and compliments as genuine as 67? Why doesn’t he selflessly provide and protect like 57? Why don’t we dance and sing and act silly together like I did with 57? Why am I not my TRUEST, RAWEST self around him?

On the flip side, why weren’t any of the previous guys (#s) as intellectual and self aware and open to growth and development as him?

I just want someone to love me for me and do everything in his power to make me the happiest woman on Earth. I want him to truly believe I’m beautiful, inside and out. Flaws and all. Someone who will commit to further developing a personal relationship with God. Who will strive to make God the bare foundation of our relationship. Someone who is positive and righteous (but realistic). Someone who will support my dreams and aspirations. Someone to encourage me when times get tough. Someone who will speak my Love Languages…WILLINGLY AND FLUENTLY! ;) Someone who will genuinely adore, cherish, and love me. Who will pray with me and for me daily…

Who knows, maybe I’ve found him. Maybe he’s staring me right in my face and I don’t realize it. Idk. I just thought it would feel differently. You know, epiphanous!

I feel like Augustine- in search of wisdom, God, and true love. These are my Confessions.

P.S. Check out my "This Type Love" blog entry to get a better understanding of what I'm talking about.

My Eyes are Green...

Cuz I eat a lot of vegetables/ It don't have nothing to do with your new friend/ I don't care/ I swear/ I'm too through with you/ I am/ You don't mean nothing/ To me/ So go ahead and be with your friend/ My eyes are green/ Cuz I eat a lot of vegetables/ it don't have nothingggg to do with your new friend...

~Erykah Badu "Green Eyes"

It's Been A Long Time...Shouldn't have left you.

...Without a dope blog to step to--lol

Whew!

It has been over 4 weeks since my last blog!!! Needless to say, SOOOO much has happened. I've been happy, sad, pissed, glad, cried, celebrated, drunk, praised, worshipped, danced, argued, partied, and laughed. Let's start by recapping my Christmas Break..

When I wrote the last entry I was trapped in the 4 pink walls of my bedroom, without wheels--BORED OUT OF MY MIND. (I will admit though...it was nice to have nothing to do for once.) The following day my aunt rented a cute little Chevy Aveo for me!! Yay!!! I hit the ground running...or driving! I visited several loved ones and hung out with long, lost church members and classmates. It was great. I even got a chance to see Mr. Toxic himself... [He was definitely left in 2008.] The car explains why I didn't blog the last 2 weeks of my Winter Vacay.

I returned to my ultra busy life in California on the 3rd of January. Since then I have been RA'ing, planning events for BSA, meeting, meeting, meeting, preparing for Dance In Flight, searching for post-graduation jobs, dealing with BS from guys, enjoying/taking advantage of my last semester in California, and let's not forget being a student!

I live a crazy life y'all!

To make this reader friendly, I will write individual posts for EVERYTHING I have to bring you all up-to-date on!

Happy reading!

mCn

P.S. Don't worry...I won't be leaving you again anytime soon! ;)

Late Night Thoughts...

It's 5:17a, and I'm still awake...

There is soooooo much on my mind! Ahhhh!

1. **Post-Grad Location**- The longer I stay in Memphis, the more I realize this is NOT the place for me. Now don't get me wrong, I love my city and Memphis is a great "hometown," but I definitely can't see myself living here post-grad. At least not immediately. I used to say I was "flexible" and could probably live ANYWHERE. Ok...let's be serious and realistic, I can't. So recently I've been doing my research and I've narrowed it down to 5-7 cities (not in a particular order):

• Charlotte, NC
• Atlanta, GA
• Houston, TX
• Nashville, TN
  
• Dallas, TX
• Minneapolis, MN
• Chicago, IL (least likely)
  

I am seriously considering all of these locations; however, some more than others.

• Charlotte is probably #1 on my list. Close to home, great opportunities for young, black professionals, affordable, not tooooo far from a beach ;), TFA location, and the list goes on...
• Ok, ATL is probably tied with Charlotte! I mean, what's not to love about ATL?!? Morehouse men, great nightlife, great opportunities, TFA location, family there, closer to Memphis than Malibu, did I mention Morehouse men (lol, jkjk).
• Houston is the #1 city in America to get the 'best bang for your buck.' I have "family" there as well. Not to mention my BFF is from "H-Town." =)
• Nashville, Nashville, Nashville...mane. I was STRONGLY considering Nashville until I stopped to think about the REAL reasons why Nashville was #1 on my list. All I have to say is there is DEFINITELY a conflict of interest moving to Nashville... I LOVE that Nashville is only a 2-3 hour drive from Memphis, but...yea...Nashville should probably be removed from my list all together, lol. (Unless TFA places me there......)
  
• Minneapolis is strictly because of Target. :)
• The others are just great cities for young professionals.

2. I had a visitor today. Sometimes I hate seeing him because he makes me feel like crap. I mean, I can't help the way I feel...right?... I love him, but I'm not in love with him. And I KNOW that hurts. It sucks being in love alone... Honestly, I don't know if there will ever be an "us" again... and that's a hard pill for both of us to swallow.

3. My dear mother is getting on my dear NERVES! Ahhh! Shoot me already.


4. I've been debating whether I should make New Year's resolutions or not... Probably not because I usually don't stick to them when I do. :( One thing's for certain, I'm gonna be wayyy more low-key next year than I was this year. I see the benefits of not always being the center of attention. hehe. I'm also gonna take a much needed vacay from the male species (*GaSp*) to let my wound heal and refocus all attention on the One that really matters. With him first, everything else falls into place. :)


Ok. It's 6:09a. I think I need to start counting sheep now.

....zzzz........zzzz........zzzz.....


.