Wow. One Year Later.

I woke up this morning and realized...EXACTLY one year ago, today, I walked across that stage at Pepperdine University. Wow. I definitely thought my life would look a lottt differently than it does right now.

I've been through sooooo many ups and downs. I've had people enter stage left and leave just as quickly at stage right. Some have entered and definitely worn out their welcomes. Some exited voluntarily...much to my disappointment and amazement. Others I dismissed...but reluctantly brought back in the scene.

Throughout all of this, only ONE thing has remained. God has been with me EVERY step of the way. Blessing me. Consoling me. Comforting me. Man. It's crazy how He loves me better than I love myself. Respects me more than I respect myself. He sees the best in me and truly believes I deserve the absolute best. I tell ya, there is nothing like my Father's love.

In less than 1 month, I will be embarking on a NEW journey/chapter in my life. I will be headed to Oxford, MS to start graduate school. (Wow. I still don't think it has really hit me yet.) I will be working on my Master's in Curriculum and Instruction (Education), while teaching full-time in Greenville, MS (heart of the Delta). My dream to be a math teacher has finally come true. Wow man. It's slowly but surely sinking in.

I am SO THRILLED about this opportunity. God has really, really, really, really, shown favor because LORD knows I didn't (and probably still don't) deserve his amazing grace and mercy. I promise to be a good steward of the gifts and talents of which God has blessed me. From the cake decorating, to State Farm, to the Census, to MTC...God has been blessing me like no other.

I just continue to pray that the Lord is patient with me and doesn't write me off yet. I know there are times I'm blatantly disobedient. And we all know, you "obey"/submit to the ones you truly love. I have been inconsistent in this...and I'm ashamed.

He makes everything perfect in due time. I trust him.


~mCn


Patience is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties.

*sigh*

So...here it is. Here I am. I finally got what I wanted, right?

But...

Why does it hurt so bad?
Why do I feel so sad?
Thought I was over you
But I keep crying
When I don't love you
So why does it hurt so bad
I thought I had let you go
So, why does it hurt me so
I gotta get you outta my head
It hurts so bad

Happy New Year!!!!

Wow! Here I am. One year later (since starting the blog). I definitely have not been AS consistent as I had originally planned, but I'm making more of an effort to do better this year.

2010 is gonna be a GREAT year for me!! Mark my words! :) I can just feeeeel the blessings and grace Jesus has for me and on my life. I wasn't blogging much after graduation, but just know that I went through it! And though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm still trying to get back on my feet.

Some of my life-altering expereinces included:
1. A SUPER delayed "graduation"
2. Domestic confrontations
3. Job insecurity
4. Financial instability
5. Sinful desires of "the world"
6. Extreme feelings of hopelessness, self doubt, sadness, and discouragement
7. Weight gain
8. Feelings of loneliness in friendships and relationships
9. Spiritual disconnect
10. Lack of self control ("pulling", goal setting and pursuit, financial, etc.)

My post-grad experience was truly an eye-opening experience. I felt like I went through straight HELL and back. I've never cried and prayed so much in my life! But I know God allowed me this experience for a reason. And because of my experience, I am closer to Him and have a more personal realtionship with him than EVER before! So for that, I am so grateful for the good, bad, and oogly experiences!! I thank God for the special and catalytic people he placed in my life during this period too. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today.

So cheers to the New Year and cheers to a new and improved me!!

In search of The Real Thing

It's 4:15a and guess what's on my mind... Relationships…

The one thing I’ve secretly wanted for a long time. Prayed for. Talked about. Dreamt about. A relationship- a true, honest, mutually recognized, loving relationship. And I have a relationship. I mean, I’m in a relationship…but why am I feeling lonely and unhappy? Thinking back, I’m wondering if I was happier single. *sigh* Relationships are so difficult…or can be. And very complicated. I’m constantly wondering if he’s “the one” or if I’m just forcing this thing to work. What’s too much effort? What’s forcing? Where is that breaking point? The lines are all blurred for me. Am I seeking companionship to fill a void in my life? Am I still holding on to previous relationships and love interests? Why can’t I just let go and live “in the moment?” Why do I overanalyze our interactions and disagreements? Did he do this to me? Did his analyses about even the simplest comment turn me into the ultimate analyst too? I’m confused...and frustrated. I’ve been praying about this and reading articles and books about it, but I can’t seem to find an answer. Or maybe just not an answer I want to hear.

And I try not to compare…but it’s impossible not to reminisce and consider backtracking (or moving on) to something familiar when you feel there’s a void.

Why isn’t he ambitious like 87? Why doesn’t he dress like 47? Why doesn’t he look at me like 55 or 67? Why don’t I get the tingly feeling like I do with 55? Why aren’t his “Words of Affirmation” and compliments as genuine as 67? Why doesn’t he selflessly provide and protect like 57? Why don’t we dance and sing and act silly together like I did with 57? Why am I not my TRUEST, RAWEST self around him?

On the flip side, why weren’t any of the previous guys (#s) as intellectual and self aware and open to growth and development as him?

I just want someone to love me for me and do everything in his power to make me the happiest woman on Earth. I want him to truly believe I’m beautiful, inside and out. Flaws and all. Someone who will commit to further developing a personal relationship with God. Who will strive to make God the bare foundation of our relationship. Someone who is positive and righteous (but realistic). Someone who will support my dreams and aspirations. Someone to encourage me when times get tough. Someone who will speak my Love Languages…WILLINGLY AND FLUENTLY! ;) Someone who will genuinely adore, cherish, and love me. Who will pray with me and for me daily…

Who knows, maybe I’ve found him. Maybe he’s staring me right in my face and I don’t realize it. Idk. I just thought it would feel differently. You know, epiphanous!

I feel like Augustine- in search of wisdom, God, and true love. These are my Confessions.

P.S. Check out my "This Type Love" blog entry to get a better understanding of what I'm talking about.

Late Night Thoughts...

It's 5:17a, and I'm still awake...

There is soooooo much on my mind! Ahhhh!

1. **Post-Grad Location**- The longer I stay in Memphis, the more I realize this is NOT the place for me. Now don't get me wrong, I love my city and Memphis is a great "hometown," but I definitely can't see myself living here post-grad. At least not immediately. I used to say I was "flexible" and could probably live ANYWHERE. Ok...let's be serious and realistic, I can't. So recently I've been doing my research and I've narrowed it down to 5-7 cities (not in a particular order):

• Charlotte, NC
• Atlanta, GA
• Houston, TX
• Nashville, TN
  
• Dallas, TX
• Minneapolis, MN
• Chicago, IL (least likely)
  

I am seriously considering all of these locations; however, some more than others.

• Charlotte is probably #1 on my list. Close to home, great opportunities for young, black professionals, affordable, not tooooo far from a beach ;), TFA location, and the list goes on...
• Ok, ATL is probably tied with Charlotte! I mean, what's not to love about ATL?!? Morehouse men, great nightlife, great opportunities, TFA location, family there, closer to Memphis than Malibu, did I mention Morehouse men (lol, jkjk).
• Houston is the #1 city in America to get the 'best bang for your buck.' I have "family" there as well. Not to mention my BFF is from "H-Town." =)
• Nashville, Nashville, Nashville...mane. I was STRONGLY considering Nashville until I stopped to think about the REAL reasons why Nashville was #1 on my list. All I have to say is there is DEFINITELY a conflict of interest moving to Nashville... I LOVE that Nashville is only a 2-3 hour drive from Memphis, but...yea...Nashville should probably be removed from my list all together, lol. (Unless TFA places me there......)
  
• Minneapolis is strictly because of Target. :)
• The others are just great cities for young professionals.

2. I had a visitor today. Sometimes I hate seeing him because he makes me feel like crap. I mean, I can't help the way I feel...right?... I love him, but I'm not in love with him. And I KNOW that hurts. It sucks being in love alone... Honestly, I don't know if there will ever be an "us" again... and that's a hard pill for both of us to swallow.

3. My dear mother is getting on my dear NERVES! Ahhh! Shoot me already.


4. I've been debating whether I should make New Year's resolutions or not... Probably not because I usually don't stick to them when I do. :( One thing's for certain, I'm gonna be wayyy more low-key next year than I was this year. I see the benefits of not always being the center of attention. hehe. I'm also gonna take a much needed vacay from the male species (*GaSp*) to let my wound heal and refocus all attention on the One that really matters. With him first, everything else falls into place. :)


Ok. It's 6:09a. I think I need to start counting sheep now.

....zzzz........zzzz........zzzz.....


.

Ladies, can I get a witness?... AMEN!

So, I've been doing this blogging thing for about a 2 weeks now, and I love it. =)

Special shout out to Miss Stiletto aka my fellow MAC Diva Extraordinaire aka Morgan in ATL shawty. She always shoots straight in her blog-always. [much respect] She's real, she's honest, she's fierce. If you can't take the heat, then git ya ass out the kitchen! LoL. (Click here to show her blog some love!!)

Anyway, while visiting her blog I ran across a post titled "this TYPE LOVE," & I just had to share it with you!!! Ladies enjoy, men take notes.



This Type Love- Shihan
I want a love like me thinking of you thinking of me thinking of you TYPE LOVE or me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to myself about how I feel about you TYPE LOVE or hating how jealous you are but loving how much you want me all to yourself TYPE LOVE. Or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name.

And shit-

I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you and I barely made it out of my garage.
See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep then wonder if she's dreaming about us being in love TYPE LOVE or who loves the other more or what she's doing at this exact moment or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts.
Closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good could just hurt so much when she's not there and shit, I love not knowing where this love is headed TYPE LOVE.

And check this-

I wanna place those little post-it notes all around the house so she never forgets how much I love her TYPE LOVE,Then not have enough ink in my pen to write all the love TYPE LOVE and hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feel.And I wanna deal with my friends making fun of me the way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love TYPE LOVE.

The only difference is this is one of those real love TYPE LOVES.

And just like in high school I wanna spend hours on the phone not saying shit and then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to me and smell her all up in my covers TYPE LOVE.
And I wanna try counting the ways I love her then lose count in the middle just so I could start all over again.

And I wanna celebrate one of those one-month anniversaries even though they ain't really anniversaries but doing it just 'cause it makes her happy TYPE LOVE.

And check this-

I wanna fall in love with the melody the phone plays when our numbers dial in TYPE LOVE and talk to you until I lose my breath, she leaves me breathless, but with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me.

I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to something that allows me to talk to her longer 'cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill TYPE LOVES. And I don't want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are. I mean the lines on my palms don't give me enough time to love you as long as I'd like to TYPE LOVE. And I want a love that makes me st-st-st-stutter just thinking about how strong this love is TYPE LOVE and I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair. Well maybe not all of the hair, maybe like I'd cut the split ends and trim my mustache but it would still be a symbol of how strong my love is for her.

I kind of feel comfortable now so I even be fantasize about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory, get transported to some third world country just to get treated and somehow meet up again with you so I could fall in love with you in a different language and see if it still feels the same TYPE LOVE.

I want a love that's as unexplainable as she is.

Yep.

With the taste of your lips, I'm paralyzed...

What do you do when your mind's telling you no, but everything else is saying yes???

Baby, can’t you see
I’m calling
A guy like you
Should wear a warning
It’s dangerous
I’m fallin’

There’s no escape
I can’t wait
I need a hit
Baby, give me it
You’re dangerous
I’m lovin’ it

Too high
Can’t come down
Losing my head
Spinning ‘round and ‘round
Do you feel me now

With a taste of your lips
I’m on a ride
You're toxic
I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic

It’s getting late
To give you up
I took a sip
From my devil's cup
Slowly
It’s taking over me

Too high
Can’t come down
It’s in the air
And it’s all around
Can you feel me now

With a taste of your lips
I’m on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic

Don't you know that you're toxic

[x2]
With a taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic

Intoxicate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now
I think I'm ready now
Intoxicate me now
With your lovin' now
[**I think I'm ready now**]

My President is Black, My Lambo's Blue

Continuation of the last entry...

1. I absolutely HATE group projects. For my Finance class, I was in a group with 2 international students. They reminded me why I like to work ALONE! For starters, the chick in the group claimed she couldn't do any of the written portions because she didn't speak/write English well. WTF? You mean to tell me that you're made it through a few years at the University of Miami, PLUS 2+ years at PEPPERDINE UNIVERSITY and yo ass can't speak/write English. You gotta be kidding me. When she found out our grade on the assignment, her ass definitely started speaking English then. And a little bit of French too! ;) As for the guy in the group-he was chill I guess. Just a major flake. Half come to class, don't wanna send his portion of the project on time. It was so frustrating y'all. Glad that BS is o-v-a!

2. *Sigh* During this time last year, I was in contact with a very special person in my life. We are no longer on speaking terms, but sometimes I miss him dearly. He was my knight. Then he lost his damn mind... now he's wandering around alone and miserable in the world. I wonder about him occasionally. About us. What would have, could have been. But I remember why we ended it all and that everything happens for a reason. God has soooo much in store for me. And me knowing that brings me peace with my decision to cease all forms of communication with him. But that still doesn't keep me from sometimes daydreaming...

3. Last night I went to Chow Time Buffet with my aunt Lisa. Initially I thought the restaurant would only sell Asian Cuisine, but to my surprise (not really) they sold EVERYTHING! haha. Gotta love those bootleg Asian owned restaurants that serve everything from hot wings to enchiladas to egg rolls to fettuccine to chitterlings. The good was actually tasty. I also had my first glass of sweet tea last night. =D Mmmm, mmmm, good!

4. So the night I got back to Memphis, I asked my mom to use her car, a Nissan Altima. She was so freakin' apprehensive, you would have thought she had a Lambo or Maserati sitting in the driveway. After several groans and moans, she said yes. She also reminded me to, "Stop at all red lights and stop signs." Ummm..... Like I haven't been driving for almost 7+ years. Ok Rubes...ok. haha.

I want to get away, I want to flyyy away.

I don't know what's wrong with me! I have been soooooo UNmotivated this semester. I have been a horrible group member, RA, and student. This has never happened before, and I didn't know (and still don't know) how to deal with the situation. I fear that I am FAILING my classes... and I'm so over the Pepperdine scene. I went through several internal and external struggles this semester and the repercussions are starting to surface---and it ain't pretty.

.

For starters- I am/was WAYYYYY too committed this semester. I am a SENIOR taking 18 units, BSA Prez, RA, DIF Choreographer, participant in various campus activities, and I serve on several committees around campus. On top of all that, I am a LOW key perfectionist....so I want to give my ALL to every committment that I've made. I was unsuccessful at it and I feel bad about it. I've let soo many ppl down this semester...and most of all, I let myself down.

.

It was very difficult for me going through these tough times alone. I KNOW in-state students don't ALMOST know what it feels like to only get to see your fam, friends, boos ;), and support system only a few times in a given school year. I try to make time to talk with ppl from back home on the phone, but I'm always so damn busy. And some of my "friends" in Cali don't even compare to my girls back in Memphis. You would think at the age of 20+ ppl would know how to be a good friend by now. I mean we did learn this in Pre-K right??? Well apparently not!!! It's dog eat dog mane. Everyone's out to get theirs and they don't give a flying fudgecake if you get yours. Maybe I'm just too giving...too thoughtful...too good of a friend. Or maybe MY definition of friendship is skewed. Whatever the problem, I'm sick of it and it has definitely made this transitional period in my life a lot harder than it had to be.

.

And I don't even know if I have the energy to talk about the love life. *sigh* This one guy in particular, swept me off my feet at "Hello." (Thanks B) We hit it off well. REAL well. And the chemistry between us was definitely something to write home to mama about. =D "He got a big eeego." *That's what she said.* I digress. But as time went on, he distanced himself [as if there wasn't already enough distance between us] and eventually instead of catching me as I fell, he pulled away quickly, and unexpectedly and I hit the ground...HaRd! Ouch!!! Love bug turned on me and bit me in the ass...again.

I'm tired. So tired of the fake friends, convenient friends, frivolous conversations, petty bullshit, non-teaching teachers, imitators, n!ggas, dudes that I am NOT interested in trying to wife me, ahhhhhh! Shoot me already.

I'm going to sleep now...