Wow. One Year Later.

I woke up this morning and realized...EXACTLY one year ago, today, I walked across that stage at Pepperdine University. Wow. I definitely thought my life would look a lottt differently than it does right now.

I've been through sooooo many ups and downs. I've had people enter stage left and leave just as quickly at stage right. Some have entered and definitely worn out their welcomes. Some exited voluntarily...much to my disappointment and amazement. Others I dismissed...but reluctantly brought back in the scene.

Throughout all of this, only ONE thing has remained. God has been with me EVERY step of the way. Blessing me. Consoling me. Comforting me. Man. It's crazy how He loves me better than I love myself. Respects me more than I respect myself. He sees the best in me and truly believes I deserve the absolute best. I tell ya, there is nothing like my Father's love.

In less than 1 month, I will be embarking on a NEW journey/chapter in my life. I will be headed to Oxford, MS to start graduate school. (Wow. I still don't think it has really hit me yet.) I will be working on my Master's in Curriculum and Instruction (Education), while teaching full-time in Greenville, MS (heart of the Delta). My dream to be a math teacher has finally come true. Wow man. It's slowly but surely sinking in.

I am SO THRILLED about this opportunity. God has really, really, really, really, shown favor because LORD knows I didn't (and probably still don't) deserve his amazing grace and mercy. I promise to be a good steward of the gifts and talents of which God has blessed me. From the cake decorating, to State Farm, to the Census, to MTC...God has been blessing me like no other.

I just continue to pray that the Lord is patient with me and doesn't write me off yet. I know there are times I'm blatantly disobedient. And we all know, you "obey"/submit to the ones you truly love. I have been inconsistent in this...and I'm ashamed.

He makes everything perfect in due time. I trust him.


~mCn


Patience is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties.

Happy New Year!!!!

Wow! Here I am. One year later (since starting the blog). I definitely have not been AS consistent as I had originally planned, but I'm making more of an effort to do better this year.

2010 is gonna be a GREAT year for me!! Mark my words! :) I can just feeeeel the blessings and grace Jesus has for me and on my life. I wasn't blogging much after graduation, but just know that I went through it! And though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm still trying to get back on my feet.

Some of my life-altering expereinces included:
1. A SUPER delayed "graduation"
2. Domestic confrontations
3. Job insecurity
4. Financial instability
5. Sinful desires of "the world"
6. Extreme feelings of hopelessness, self doubt, sadness, and discouragement
7. Weight gain
8. Feelings of loneliness in friendships and relationships
9. Spiritual disconnect
10. Lack of self control ("pulling", goal setting and pursuit, financial, etc.)

My post-grad experience was truly an eye-opening experience. I felt like I went through straight HELL and back. I've never cried and prayed so much in my life! But I know God allowed me this experience for a reason. And because of my experience, I am closer to Him and have a more personal realtionship with him than EVER before! So for that, I am so grateful for the good, bad, and oogly experiences!! I thank God for the special and catalytic people he placed in my life during this period too. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today.

So cheers to the New Year and cheers to a new and improved me!!

In search of The Real Thing

It's 4:15a and guess what's on my mind... Relationships…

The one thing I’ve secretly wanted for a long time. Prayed for. Talked about. Dreamt about. A relationship- a true, honest, mutually recognized, loving relationship. And I have a relationship. I mean, I’m in a relationship…but why am I feeling lonely and unhappy? Thinking back, I’m wondering if I was happier single. *sigh* Relationships are so difficult…or can be. And very complicated. I’m constantly wondering if he’s “the one” or if I’m just forcing this thing to work. What’s too much effort? What’s forcing? Where is that breaking point? The lines are all blurred for me. Am I seeking companionship to fill a void in my life? Am I still holding on to previous relationships and love interests? Why can’t I just let go and live “in the moment?” Why do I overanalyze our interactions and disagreements? Did he do this to me? Did his analyses about even the simplest comment turn me into the ultimate analyst too? I’m confused...and frustrated. I’ve been praying about this and reading articles and books about it, but I can’t seem to find an answer. Or maybe just not an answer I want to hear.

And I try not to compare…but it’s impossible not to reminisce and consider backtracking (or moving on) to something familiar when you feel there’s a void.

Why isn’t he ambitious like 87? Why doesn’t he dress like 47? Why doesn’t he look at me like 55 or 67? Why don’t I get the tingly feeling like I do with 55? Why aren’t his “Words of Affirmation” and compliments as genuine as 67? Why doesn’t he selflessly provide and protect like 57? Why don’t we dance and sing and act silly together like I did with 57? Why am I not my TRUEST, RAWEST self around him?

On the flip side, why weren’t any of the previous guys (#s) as intellectual and self aware and open to growth and development as him?

I just want someone to love me for me and do everything in his power to make me the happiest woman on Earth. I want him to truly believe I’m beautiful, inside and out. Flaws and all. Someone who will commit to further developing a personal relationship with God. Who will strive to make God the bare foundation of our relationship. Someone who is positive and righteous (but realistic). Someone who will support my dreams and aspirations. Someone to encourage me when times get tough. Someone who will speak my Love Languages…WILLINGLY AND FLUENTLY! ;) Someone who will genuinely adore, cherish, and love me. Who will pray with me and for me daily…

Who knows, maybe I’ve found him. Maybe he’s staring me right in my face and I don’t realize it. Idk. I just thought it would feel differently. You know, epiphanous!

I feel like Augustine- in search of wisdom, God, and true love. These are my Confessions.

P.S. Check out my "This Type Love" blog entry to get a better understanding of what I'm talking about.

My Eyes are Green...

Cuz I eat a lot of vegetables/ It don't have nothing to do with your new friend/ I don't care/ I swear/ I'm too through with you/ I am/ You don't mean nothing/ To me/ So go ahead and be with your friend/ My eyes are green/ Cuz I eat a lot of vegetables/ it don't have nothingggg to do with your new friend...

~Erykah Badu "Green Eyes"

The morning after...

I wrote this Friday, January 30 while in my 8am class...

It was really hard for me to get up for class this morning. Dealing with this BS at Pepperdine (see last entry) really is discouraging. It makes me question, why am I even here? Why am I getting in debt to finance my education at a school that only sees me as a statistical benefit? Only helping them reach their admission quotas. I had full rides almost EVERYWHERE else…but I wanted to come to Pepperdine. Hmph.

Once you get here, you’re hit with soooo many adversities. From day one, I’ve felt like I had to prove myself to my peers, teachers, and administrators. I was stereotyped big time, and only recently am I climbing out of the boxes they placed me in. Students at other universities around the nation just don’t realized how blessed they are to be able to freely embrace their cultures without constant justification. EVERY idea we (BSA) have, every program we plan, EVERYTHING we do- we’re asked how we think the campus will react. Administrators want to be careful not to upset the trust fund kids, the Board of Directors’ grandchildren, the wealthy, spoiled, out-of-touch with reality students that make up the majority at this institution. Do they ever stop to think how we (the minority) might react/benefit/suffer from their decisions? NO! That’s why the Student Programming Board (SPB) plans events catering to the interest of the majority….always! Even for Black History Month, we didn’t get a culturally inspired/specific event on the calendar. OK. Maybe the 2 black movies... But that’s it. Pepp keeps saying they want to do better….but it’s all lies man.

I do believe that my steps are ordered, and that I was placed at Pepperdine for a reason. I just can’t see what that reason is at this point. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m tired of being trampled and looked over…in programming, in funding, in the classroom, in Housing.

May 2nd can’t come fast enough!!!!!

Bamboozled!

Oh my God...Pepperdine has done it again!

I am so frustrated with my Christian institution of higher education! As Kanye said Bush doesn't care about black people, Pepperdine doesn't either! They're always talking this diversity BS...blah...blah...blah, but actions speak wayyyyy louder than words. Cases in point:

1. Last year we had an incident where a black student's notebook, bedroom door, and other personal items were vandalized by another student. The culprit wrote every racial slur known to man on this student's property. Some of the stuff I had never heard of. (i.e. N.A.A.C.P. Now Apes Are Considered People) The issue was brought to Pepperdine's attention and they assured us black students the problem would be handled appropiately. What happened?... The student whose property was defaced is no longer at Pepperdine, while the culprit is running around happy-go-lucky after Daddy Warbuck$ handled the situation. But this is a Christian school???

2. Currently, Pepperdine does not have any of the Historically African-American Greek Letter Organizations on campus. Never has. I know it's hard to believe, seeing that it IS 2009 and Pepperdine IS in liberal California....but it is true. Pepperdine is one of the ONLY universities in Southern California without at least ONE of these organizations. Frustrated with this, a few friends and myself strove to change this. It was like pulling teeth to get the school to agree to the idea of having these organizations on campus. After the word got out that this was a work in progress, the white Greeks cried out in dissent. "These organizations will segregate Pepp's Greek life...blah...blah." The reality of the situation is Pepperdine's Greek Life is ALREADY SEGREGATED!!! (and not just racially segregated) They were just afraid of the black organizations taking their "tokens." Our student body needs to wake up!!!

The hard work and energy put into that project seems in vain now. After so many complaints and "concerns," many of our interested candidates backed out in fear of being ostracized from the Pepperdine community. Too many of our black students are 1. struggling with an identity crisis and 2. apathetic when it comes to racial inequalities on campus, leaving the weight to be carried by the Black Student Association, of which Kendria and myself are the Co-Presidents.

3. The College Republicans (a student group) definitely receives preferential treatment by the University! Other student clubs and organizations have to fight to receive funding for events and programs. The CR received with ease, on numerous occasions, 100s of $$ to buy expensive plaques and other miscellaneous items for their celebrity/political guest speakers. It gets better…

The icing on the cake??? The Director of Intercultural Affairs was attacked on conservative bloggers site after refusing to allow the College Republicans to post an anti-Obama poster (in an unauthorized location) that read “Obama ‘08: Socialism.” The president of the CR went to the media whining about the Pepperdine’s censorship of the poster. The main blog, written by Mike S. Adams, has received over 150 comments regarding the “once-great (and once-conservative) Pepperdine University.” Read the school’s newspaper article about the blog here. Read the blog here.

Needless to say, the CR got away with this injustice. I wonder how Pepperdine would have responded if BSA had gone to the NAACP, CNN, or any other media outlet when that student’s property was vandalized. I’m sure they would have gotten rid of us too…

4. I’m sure my frustration is evident by this point. I’m tired of typing. Let’s sum up everything else. November 4th…Pepperdine was DEAD silent after the elections. You could hear a gnat bump his head on the carpet…it was THAT quiet. No parades. No rejoicing. No pandemonium. Nothing. The following day at our weekly mandatory Chapel service, NOTHING was mentioned of our new President-elect. Nothing.

That was definitely one night I wanted to be anywhere else BUT Pepperdine. A hand-full of us were celebrating…alone.

The mood on campus for the next week was weird. The school’s true colors were surfacing. I’ve never felt more “black” in my life. Everyone helped make it more obvious. Students and professors alike had their little racist-ass comments to make about President Obama. Like FB users across the nation, they also expressed their frustrations in their FB statuses. It was disheartening because I lost so much respect for my friends, professors, and the SCHOOL as a whole that week. But of course they used his policies as the scapegoat for their disapproval.

The University apologized for their flub and promised to acknowledge the Inauguration in January.

5. Pepperdine smoothed the situation over by having an inspirational MLK/ Inauguration Celebration. The celebration was actually very nice and BSA/ Ken and I had an essential role in the planning and execution of the event. It was a great way to kick off the semester and the student body responded positively. We were left feeling good about the semester, our new President, Pepperdine, and Black History Month.

But of course, the next day we were knocked off of our wave of hope when we saw the Gonzaga/ Pepperdine t-shirts. The t-shirts said “Yes We Can” [beat Gonzaga] with a picture a male that resembled President Obama…but it wasn’t him. It was Pepperdine’s Bball head coach. WTF? It’s known that Pepperdine is a pretty conservative school and that t-shirt was a mockery of our new President.

6. Today we received the February Student Life Calendar that the school issues to the entire student body. I just KNEW that the calendar would display Black History Month graphics, MLK, President Obama, ya know…the basics. NO ma’am. The calendar had hearts and more hearts allll over the cover. Are you serious Pepperdine? Is ONE day more important than the ENTIRE month?? Apparently it is. I do not feel at home here. Why did I even come to this school?? The students are wack and so is Administration. Kendria is writing a letter to the President of the school…I’m doing the same, but I had to come vent first.

I’ve had enough of this ish...

Dream Team

It's funny. The older you get, the smaller your circle of friends become.

I'm sure everyone can relate to having 586 BFFs in elementary school. Those friendship would "end" over the smallest tiff, and 15 minutes later...you're BFFs again. Well...things are way more complicated now and I am definitely learning the hard way.

"Be careful what you ask for...because you just might get it." I've been praying and praying and praying and asking God for the courage, strength, and wisdom to accomplish the goals I've set for myself and he has been revealing things to me daily. Now that I have answers, I don't know if I'm prepared to take action and make such bold decisions in my life. One thing that God has revealed is that I have to eliminate certain individuals in my life before I can receive the blessings he has for me. It's hard for me to accept the fact that everyone in my circle shouldn't have that privilege...

I have quite a few friends here (at Pepperdine) that I label my BFF, BFFF (Mo, lol), etc. But recently, my BFFs have not been acting like such. If I didn't know any better, I would mistake some of them for haters, imitators, or just plain enemies. These ppl do not have my best interest at heart and I'm sick of the fake BS. I could go on and on and on and give tons of examples of my "friends" acting selfishly, deviously, and spitefully but none of those details matter. I'm in the process of rebuilding my Dream Team from the ground up.

Will you make the cut??